"Nice helmet."

"Thanks, I got it at Sutton Hoo."

Beowulf & Grendel

In which Beowulf, the Scotsman Geat with the most fabulously frosted hair, leads his highlanders fellow Geats to Iceland Denmark to defeat Longshanks Grendel and save the Danes, who have the most incompetent sentries the world has ever known.

Tony Curran tags along with the merry band of highlanders Geats, and serves as the hottest thing in the film. I would put Tony Curran in all movies. Sadly, he freaks out 3/4ths of the way through (he probably couldn't stop thinking what a better film The 13th Warrior was) and gets himself killed.

Not leading the Danes very effectively is Stellan Skarsgård, who looks good with red hair but sometimes forgets his pants and has to be put to bed by the long-suffering Wealtheow. Thaet waes ne god cyning. I prefer him with starfish.

Also hanging out in Denmark is a random witch the writers felt like sticking in (played by Sarah Polley), who forgot how to comb her hair after being fucked by a troll. I guess that could be pretty traumatic.

So Beowulf goes to Denmark, is embarrassed by drunken Hrothgar, gets mixed signals from the random witch, and eventually looks on in befuddlement as Grendel chops his own arm off. (The arm apparently being easier to cut than the rope attached to it.) Beowulf eventually tracks armless Grendel back to his cave, where he is assaulted by a deadite Grendel's aquatic troll mom.

He says "These people are fucked!", and takes his surviving highlanders Geats back home. His hair is still fabulous.